cynicism is easy

we believe what we choose to believe about people, whether it be the good in them or the not so good. it is in fact always a choice.

those that choose to see the good do not always have the 'rose colored glasses' that cynics would claim. i believe it is much more difficult to search out the deep goodness inside even the most detestable individuals, than to find the bad and dwell on that.

conflict arises when two of these polar opposites meet. one thinks the best, the other thinks the worse, this is a recipe for disaster.

what is the solution?

honestly i think it very important to have friends with the same world outlook.

for me it would be those individuals that dig deep, the choose to see the best. that have hope on there shoulders and a sideways grin despite what the world throws at them.

i can't understand those who give up (though at time i do not blame them for doing so), i can;t get into there heads enough. maybe i am still naive.

If that is the case i pray it never changes. the view of the world with a hope shaped lens is much more bearable than the other options.

i will remain unchanged in this aspect, i will remain surprised when i meet people of the contrary.

where i live

It is just a place to be when you are floating in the 'in betweens'. In less than two months we will be getting married, and then a week after that, packing the house and moving nearly 1,000 miles away from the only place i have ever lived. I'm excited, don't get me wrong. I just wish i had a fast forward button to get through the next two months of planning and details. It makes me so tired trying to plan all of the details of everything. We can't hammer down a place to live until mid-june, right in the midst of wedding planning.

Honestly, i don't care if the wedding is perfect, if my linens match the theme, if the food is perfect. I want a marriage not a wedding. That is what i am ready to begin.

Fast forward those flashy details and put me in the day to day in our new life together.
That is where i live.

We

We define each other.
Through our words and actions we say who each person respectfully is. How powerful is a word? Spoken? Typed? What are we saying to each other? So many times, when saying things we are talking about ourselves or protecting ourselves not realizing that through our words the listener is defined.

Here is a picture of my son, picking flowers. At his age, my words are making him. I pray that God leads me. That careless words will not flow out.

James 3:6 (The Message)

5-6It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.

when will people learn

that i do not want to fight.
i do not want to raise a fist or a harsh word
i do not want a tit for tat, he said, she said
what i want is peace
and for you to see my heart


but you don't
and im not sure if you ever really did

sometimes

i get so afraid. afraid of the things that can never hurt me. what can evil men do to me? he barks and he bites, threats and promises empty as his heart.

i saw it in my head this morning while driving to work. i was climbing out of a pit, climbing more and more towards the light. he was at the bottom clawing at my ankles, grasping at me with what he could. he didn't want help out of the pit he was in. he wanted to drag me down with him. he didn't want light, he wanted me to be in the darkness. but even with this mental image epiphany i realized there is nothing he can do. what is a grasping of the ankles? what is a spewing of insults? in the light of moving forward, on the path i am on, that God himself arranged what is that?

it is nothing but the roar of a toothless lion.

and i will not be afraid

in closing i will quote my very wise brother
" you are trying to be reasonable with unreasonable people, this will not lead you anywhere"

They say

That living well is the best revenge.

I'm not sure how vengeful im feeling these days, it truly is not in my nature but i will say that we certainly will be living well. Tyson was just hired on full time as Ashford University's head cross country and head track and field coach. He will be pursuing his masters while coaching and i will also have the opportunity to return to school full time either this fall or spring, we will see how it all works out. I plan on only working part time (which i haven't done in 3 years since being a single parent).

This will allow me to be home when Noah gets home from school, which honestly has been a dream!!

On another note, this will be a hectic few weeks. The wedding is in less than two months and we will be moving mid-July, a lot to cram into a few weeks but it is all entirely too exciting!!! I feel so blessed by it all.

There have been things happening that have tried to damper my mood and crush my spirits. I will say that i do not understand mean people. I do not understand negative or hurtful people. I don't know how to respond to there anger or hatred. So i choose not to respond. Some may view this as me not dealing with it but honestly what do you say to hatred? What do you say to anger? There are no words that quench that, no words that i haven't already said. I'm so sorry when things turn out this way. It hurts me so deeply but at this point in time i know the only place i should look is straight ahead, never look behind. Look to the past to learn but don't dwell on the pain or the wounds. I wish them the best.