just some things

I've been wanting to write lately and have felt less than inspired. I think it lulls and ebbs along with lifes highs and lows. Right now things are steady. I still have the occasional back glance of my old life giving way to new nightmares. But going through what i went through it is really to be expected though it still surprises me.

I dont know why i was ever in such a big hurry to grow up.

Today at the elementary school i work at it snowed about 5 inches. we took the kids outside and they gave me a crash course in snowman building.


This was a welcome release after a long day in Special Ed.

I put up my Christmas tree three weeks ago and have only lit it once.

I enjoy my life immensely but still fight the fear.

cynicism is easy

we believe what we choose to believe about people, whether it be the good in them or the not so good. it is in fact always a choice.

those that choose to see the good do not always have the 'rose colored glasses' that cynics would claim. i believe it is much more difficult to search out the deep goodness inside even the most detestable individuals, than to find the bad and dwell on that.

conflict arises when two of these polar opposites meet. one thinks the best, the other thinks the worse, this is a recipe for disaster.

what is the solution?

honestly i think it very important to have friends with the same world outlook.

for me it would be those individuals that dig deep, the choose to see the best. that have hope on there shoulders and a sideways grin despite what the world throws at them.

i can't understand those who give up (though at time i do not blame them for doing so), i can;t get into there heads enough. maybe i am still naive.

If that is the case i pray it never changes. the view of the world with a hope shaped lens is much more bearable than the other options.

i will remain unchanged in this aspect, i will remain surprised when i meet people of the contrary.

where i live

It is just a place to be when you are floating in the 'in betweens'. In less than two months we will be getting married, and then a week after that, packing the house and moving nearly 1,000 miles away from the only place i have ever lived. I'm excited, don't get me wrong. I just wish i had a fast forward button to get through the next two months of planning and details. It makes me so tired trying to plan all of the details of everything. We can't hammer down a place to live until mid-june, right in the midst of wedding planning.

Honestly, i don't care if the wedding is perfect, if my linens match the theme, if the food is perfect. I want a marriage not a wedding. That is what i am ready to begin.

Fast forward those flashy details and put me in the day to day in our new life together.
That is where i live.

We

We define each other.
Through our words and actions we say who each person respectfully is. How powerful is a word? Spoken? Typed? What are we saying to each other? So many times, when saying things we are talking about ourselves or protecting ourselves not realizing that through our words the listener is defined.

Here is a picture of my son, picking flowers. At his age, my words are making him. I pray that God leads me. That careless words will not flow out.

James 3:6 (The Message)

5-6It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell.

when will people learn

that i do not want to fight.
i do not want to raise a fist or a harsh word
i do not want a tit for tat, he said, she said
what i want is peace
and for you to see my heart


but you don't
and im not sure if you ever really did

sometimes

i get so afraid. afraid of the things that can never hurt me. what can evil men do to me? he barks and he bites, threats and promises empty as his heart.

i saw it in my head this morning while driving to work. i was climbing out of a pit, climbing more and more towards the light. he was at the bottom clawing at my ankles, grasping at me with what he could. he didn't want help out of the pit he was in. he wanted to drag me down with him. he didn't want light, he wanted me to be in the darkness. but even with this mental image epiphany i realized there is nothing he can do. what is a grasping of the ankles? what is a spewing of insults? in the light of moving forward, on the path i am on, that God himself arranged what is that?

it is nothing but the roar of a toothless lion.

and i will not be afraid

in closing i will quote my very wise brother
" you are trying to be reasonable with unreasonable people, this will not lead you anywhere"

They say

That living well is the best revenge.

I'm not sure how vengeful im feeling these days, it truly is not in my nature but i will say that we certainly will be living well. Tyson was just hired on full time as Ashford University's head cross country and head track and field coach. He will be pursuing his masters while coaching and i will also have the opportunity to return to school full time either this fall or spring, we will see how it all works out. I plan on only working part time (which i haven't done in 3 years since being a single parent).

This will allow me to be home when Noah gets home from school, which honestly has been a dream!!

On another note, this will be a hectic few weeks. The wedding is in less than two months and we will be moving mid-July, a lot to cram into a few weeks but it is all entirely too exciting!!! I feel so blessed by it all.

There have been things happening that have tried to damper my mood and crush my spirits. I will say that i do not understand mean people. I do not understand negative or hurtful people. I don't know how to respond to there anger or hatred. So i choose not to respond. Some may view this as me not dealing with it but honestly what do you say to hatred? What do you say to anger? There are no words that quench that, no words that i haven't already said. I'm so sorry when things turn out this way. It hurts me so deeply but at this point in time i know the only place i should look is straight ahead, never look behind. Look to the past to learn but don't dwell on the pain or the wounds. I wish them the best.

it could have been hormones

But i cried to Madonna's song like a virgin. The only reason i am admitting this is because no one really knows about this blog, with maybe 2 exceptions.

My friend Maria is planning my girls weekend before the wedding. In the invites she including a mix cd with fun girls night out type songs. "Like a Virgin" came on and i swear that Madonna made me cry. I mean come one:

I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didnt know how lost I was
Until I found you

I was beat incomplete
Id been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new

Anyways, i just needed to get that off my chest. Perhaps it was because i was driving in my car and couldn't see the images of her writing on the end of a boat in her white outfit, im sure that would take out the emotionalism rather quickly.

swing

lying there, next to you,shivering in the Florida breeze
a shooting star
hopes held inside
we don't know where this is going
but we will get there together
just the three of us, for now

it was a rare moment
when dreaming of tomorrow
nature aligns
and creates a beautiful picture

possibly, maybe

Tyson has an interview by phone tomorrow with a University in Iowa. If he gets the position we move. I have never lived anywhere but Florida. i only saw snow for the first time this past Thanksgiving when i met his Mom. I have had a peace about this whole thing since it started but i guess now that it is getting closer to reality the fear is creeping in. A fresh start is always a good thing. Ahhhhh.......

This Sunday Tyson and i decided to visit a new church. We have been going to one near the house off and one for nearly a year. The only complaint we had was the age population. There wasnt really anyone our age there at all. As nice as it is to be surrounded by grandparents we decided to stomp out younger ground.

We tried a nice Assembly of God church about 15 minutes from the house. I saw a gaggle of young children and asked if kids church was here, a child answered me 'yes'. I looked for an adult, and really couldn't find any. I eventually saw a teenager that looked painfully like he was trying to be in charge. I asked where i register my son at, he asked someone next to him the same question and responded "we dont register anymore", alright. So i found another child that looked close to Noah's age, i asked him what his name was and he told me Brandon, i asked him if he would be Noah's friend because he was new and didn't know anyone, responded with a yes. At that i left my only child in a new kids church program with no registration and i cringed as i walked away.

Tyson, my friend Alex and myself walked into the huge sanctuary. We found seats in the back because that is where all the sinners and backsliders sit, we fir right in. We had only been sitting for a few minutes when i decided i needed to go check on Noah (yes im one of those moms), I went back into the kids church room, he looked like he was having fun, i found another worker, i pointed towards my son and i said "that is my son Noah, he is new here today and only five, remember my face, i am his mother, if he breaks his arm i will be in the back row in the sanctuary, im only telling you this because there is no registration or way to find me if he needs me", i think i scared the worker but i felt better. I walked back into church and sat down.

Worship began in the typical pentecostal way, girls from the youth group on stage doing a choreographed dance, flag wavers and tambourine's going at it. I did my best to keep my sarcasm at bay until it was time to be seated. The pastor then introduced the special singers for the offertory, a accapella group called 'Tender Heart' , i really thought one of the care bears were going to come out and entertain us, but alas i was wrong, it was just the worship pastor and his brother and sister.

Eventually the Pastor stepped up to deliver the message, i believe Tyson and i left only fifteen minutes into the sermon. I never imagined Jesus, back in his day as red, sweaty and slightly angry. There was a reason i believe he stayed on the outside of the temple for the most part.
I know i sound critical even in posting this this but i have to believe there is a place of worship somewhere that doesn't involve masks, shows and judgment. Some of the things that were being preached from the pulpit that day had to do with drinking one sip of beer was a sin (not biblical), Missing church once was a sin (not biblical). He also went on a rant about how he remembers when alcoholics weren't called so but were called 'drunks', and that it is a sin not a disease. I understander having detest for a sin but those words came across as the most callous thing out of his mouth and it made me think, "where is the love", people who drink do so for a reason, i should know, so instead of being hateful towards them for what they do wrong why don't we love then enough to find out why they feel the need to.

I will sound like a hippie in saying this but i believe in the religion of love, the movement of love. Looking past whatever 'horrible', 'detestable', thing these 'sinners' are doing and love them. Because honestly i am not any different or better than them and i wont buy into the lie that i am some how superior or have all of the answers, because i don't.

And that is why at times it seems that Christianity (at least in modern American churches) seems to be going the way of the dinosaurs, no one wants to join a social club full of mask wearing hypocrites. Its a contest of who can lie better, whose mask looks more legit.

I refuse to wear one, i did for awhile, but learned there is no quick fix, and behind the mask we are just as hurting and flawed as the rest of the world, the only difference is we have a hope. We aren't totally lost in our despair, but that still doesn't mean we know ALL of the answers, i will never pretend